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missingphilip

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Posts: 6
Reply with quote  #61 
yes, he was on medication but did not take it regularly.  mom is now blaming herself.  Nothing I say to her is helping.  Did you go to any kind of grief counselor?  And, if so, did it help?       she doesn't seem to want to do that either. I am also grieving but don't want to cry in front of her to further upset her.  She talks about wanting to die all the time.
As a mother, how do you handle this?  I have my children to take care of so i need to stay strong.  She's so angry her suicide attempt failed.  nothing I say seems to help.

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courtenay nagy
joyce

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Posts: 24
Reply with quote  #62 
I did go to a grief counselor a couple of times which did help considerably.  Also before my son's death, I had gone to Al-Anon which gave me some skills (if that is what you can call it) to deal with this. I have a husband, 3 other children, and several grandchildren so I feel I need, like you, to stay strong for them.  I don't know how you can get your mom to get help if she doesn't want it but maybe you could contact a mental health person in your area who could give you some help - please tell your mom that it will "soften" over time but it will take some time for this to happen. I know you never get over it.  Fortunately I have a job which keeps my mind occupied or I would be a basket case as well. I have yet to get thru a day without tears but it does help with the healing. My son too was on medication but did not take it regularly and we were too far away to monitor it.  Maybe you should go to a grief counselor yourself and she/he could help you and give you some ideas for dealing with your mom?  Thoughts and prayers are going your way.  Please let me know how you and your mom are doing - I care.
missingphilip

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Reply with quote  #63 
hi joyce,
i appreciate your kind thoughts...mom's not doing so well.  i'm feeling a little better by keeping busy.  she pretty much lies in bed all day.  hopefully time will help.  she doesn't have any interest in a grief counselor at this time but i think i am going to check into some.
take care..

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courtenay nagy
joyce

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Posts: 24
Reply with quote  #64 
to missingphilip:  Sorry to hear about your Mom - yes, I think it might benefit you to go to a grief counselor and the counselor can maybe give you some ideas to help your Mom.  This month has been the year anniversary of the loss of my son and the anniversaries, ie, birthday, holidays, DOD, all bring back such sadness.  Please let me know how you and your Mom are doing - remember there are many others out there who understand what you are going through so please don't be afraid to reach out.
cutesnake

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Reply with quote  #65 
Fantastic post and great content! Thank you very much for post.
Beagle24

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Posts: 5
Reply with quote  #66 
My 34 yr old son is addicted to duster. It has been alcohol, narcotic pain meds, marijuana, too. But he realized that he couldnt find work if he had those things in his urine drug screen so he turned to duster.  He has threatened suicide 5 times. 3 of those times I called the police, who took him away to the local ER. Out of those 5 times in the ER he signed himself in once for a 3 day admission to the behavioral health floor. He came out with a new attitude, very humble, knowing that he needed to change. But the mental health and substance abuse fields have failed him as far as I am concerned. The other 4 times he told the ER personnel all the "right" things to get himself out of there and back on the streets. Was told to make an appointment with a counselor (of which he has had 2 sessions in the past 2 months). I have called his counselor and told her about the duster but I don't think they know how to handle that. He has had 3 accidents in the past 2 months also, I believe he was doing duster in all 3 of them. One vehicle was totaled and he fractured a vertebrae. He didn't have a seat belt on in any of them. His wife witnessed him after taking a "hit" of duster in another room he lost all coordination falling straight back and bounced off the floor onto his fractured vertebrae. He laid there unconscious for 10 minutes while the dogs licked his face. His eyes were fixed and glassy, he had no idea where he was. I caught him doing duster in my own home a few weeks ago. I heard the air coming out of the can and I burst into the room, he rolled over on the can but had no fight in him when I reached in to get the can out of his hand. I kicked him out of our home that day. We have cut off the money supply now and I believe he is stealing it from the stores. He was shopping one day with his wife when she believes he took a can of duster from the shelf and went into the bathroom at a Walmart. He came out and fell into a shelf of laptops when a worker called a "code blue" on him. He was able to talk his way out of that one too. A very smooth liar he is. I never realized how addictive this stuff is. But I feel that he is on the same path as your sons, daughters, brothers, husbands and boyfriends. I feel so helpless, but I am being told that I can't enable him so I am pulling back. I believe to buy canned duster the person should be carded just like they do when you buy some of the decongestants. However I am told that they can also use canned whipped cream and other aerosols to get the same effect. So afraid of getting that call at 2 am that my son is dead!! This is wrecking my health.
janesmith

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Posts: 581
Reply with quote  #67 
Beagle24 - Bless you for all that you're having to handle.  For some emotional support, how about attending Al-Anon which is a free 12-step (self-help) program for the friends and family of problem drinkers, but one may attend an "open" Al-Anon meeting if the loved one doesn't have a drinking problem.  Al-Anon may help the loved ones to not "love the addict to death".  It sounds as though you're doing just about as much as you can since he's an adult.

I'm not sure if getting conservatorship is an option (like Britney Spears' father did).  If the individual is not a danger to him/herself or others, it may be so much more difficult to get "control" over the adult child.

The addict has to want to get well for him/herself as I'm sure that you're noticing.  I'm not sure if you've thought about a family intervention, but that may be an option which would most certainly include his wife.  An intervention is *not* a guarantee that the addict will accept treatment, but perhaps it can "plant the seed" for future sobriety (being sober).  If the addict refuses to enter treatment right after the intervention ("meeting"), then there are usually consequences put into place by the participants of the intervention.

Some examples of consequences include not "calling in sick" to the addict's boss, not giving the addict money, confiscating family pets (though finding out the legal way), and/or perhaps not even having contact with the addict until he or she gets sober.

Please keep in mind that the addict usually does NOT know about the intervention beforehand, or he/she may not actually show up.  It's also recommended to consult with a licensed interventionist, or at least a Certified Addiction Counselor (CAC) for the intervention. 

For Al-Anon meetings (such as for yourself and/or daughter-in-law), here is their website:  http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Beagle24

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Posts: 5
Reply with quote  #68 
Thank you janesmith for your support and suggestions. I had been talking about staging an intervention for a few weeks now and had texted my daughter in law about it. Somehow my son got into her phone and read my text about the intervention and he called me and said that I better hadn't be planning anything like that because he "doesn't need anything like that" and he "won't attend anything like that". He thinks that he doesn't have a problem with duster and now I find out he is abusing over-the-counter cold pills that have Dextromethorphan in them. He takes them by the hand fulls. I researched this on-line and it turns out this also causes a euphoria or high. Typically though both duster and the cold pill abuse is something that teens try. I do understand that older people get into this kind of thing.
Today was a turning point day though. My son came to me with the song and dance that he needed gas to go job hunting. So I wrote a check to the local gas station for the gas. I didn't give him any cash. So off he went and about an hour later I started to get some strange texts from him. Most of it didn't make much sense and it hit me that he had gone somewhere and stolen some duster. He texted me and asked if I could bring a pizza home for him and his wife for dinner later on. I got the pizza and pulled into his driveway the dogs pushed the screen door open which they usually do and I walked into the living room with the pizza. There he was in the recliner higher than a kite with a can of duster in his right hand. I could feel a rage building up inside of me, which if you knew me you would know that I am very slow to anger. I grabbed the can out of his hand and took it outside to discharge the rest of it until it was empty. I really wanted to throw it at his head. I told him that he was going to kill himself with this stuff, he already has a large ulcer on the side of his tongue from it. He said it isn't illegal to possess this and isn't illegal for him to use it in his own home. (Not sure about that last part). But I do know it is illegal to steal it. Anyway it got pretty heated and I told him that was it for me. I don't want to have any contact with him. No phone calls, no texts, nothing. I am not going to sit around and watch him destroy himself.

And his answer to me is "Well I am just trying to do what I need to do to get through the day". Later this afternoon he called and left a message on our machine that he was thinking of pressing charges against me for breaking and entering into his home (with the screen door flapping in the breeze and a pizza on my arm for them!) Now my daughter, who is 26, thinks that my husband and I could be in danger and wants me to get a restraining order on him. I know that I must stick to what I told him, no contact until he says that he wants to go into treatment for his problems. It will be hard though. He and I were always very close when he was growing up. I feel so betrayed right now. And yes I am going to look into Al Anon open meeting here locally. I have heard alot of good things about it. Sorry this is so lengthy. Just needed to vent.
janesmith

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Posts: 581
Reply with quote  #69 
Beagle24 - I'm sorry that the situation is still so upsetting and even dire.  Bless you for looking at attending some local Al-Anon meetings.  How unfortunate that it got so heated between you and your son earlier.  Having to deal with an addict who is in the midst of using can cause the situation to be that much more volatile.  If you're feeling unsafe, please do contact 9-1-1.  Hoping that you don't have to file a restraining order, but if so, perhaps the local municipal (township) building's court clerk may provide forms to complete.

I wanted to provide you with information re: what to do if someone is actively high due to inhalant use which includes refraining from startling them as cardiac arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat) may occur which can lead to cardiac arrest or "sudden sniffing death syndrome":  http://www.inhalants.org/whatodo.htm

This site is supposed to have more info re: "domestic violence civil protection orders" by state:  http://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/migrated/domviol/docs/DV_CPO_Chart_8_2007.authcheckdam.pdf
Beagle24

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Posts: 5
Reply with quote  #70 
Once again thanks janesmith. I read your link on what to do when someone is huffing and it looks like I pretty much blew it. I am not normally one to react that way, I guess it was my breaking point. I was not able to make the Al Anon meeting tonight because I had to take my mother to the doctor. You see I am also caring for an elderly parent with early dementia. I guess they call my generation the sandwich generation, sandwiched between my children and their problems and aging parent/parents. I intend to go to the next one now that I know when and where to attend. This is undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with so far in my life. I realize that I have to stop trying to "fix" the situation. He is the only one that can do that. Right now he doesn't feel he has a problem, so I can't see any end in sight. My biggest fear is that the end in sight will be his death. It is a very helpless feeling, but I guess at least for now, he is still alive here on this earth. I know there are so many who can't say that and I feel for each and every one who has lost someone to this thing called "duster". I sent an e-mail to Walmart's corporate offices yesterday and got a call back today from the local store manager. I just wanted to raise awareness that this stuff is being abused. She said her boss (the head manager) had never heard of abuse of duster before. She sent my e-mail to the "higher-ups" but I don't hold out hope for anything more to be done about it. I feel that at the very least when someone wants to buy it they should have to show their drivers license that goes into some sort of registry to track the purchases and link them to the specific person. If that person buys too many cans in a period of time, I believe law enforcement should be notified. But I realize that this won't stop the abuse. They will just start stealing it. I did tell that manager that I went into that store this past weekend with the purpose of trying to locate it and was told that it is actually in 2 different areas of the store, in the back of the electronics dept and in the office supply dept. I advised her to move the product closer to the cash registers so that it is in plainer view for potential shop-lifters. She said that was a great suggestion. Will see next time I am in there. Thanks for being there to listen. I appreciate and value your insight.
janesmith

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Posts: 581
Reply with quote  #71 
Please know that you did *not* blow it with your son.  "Knowledge is power" as they say.  I'm glad that you're going to be attending Al-Anon.  That can help you feel empowered and get support for yourself since addiction does tend to affect the entire family.

You obviously have a lot on your plate as a caregiver of someone with dementia.  I'm not sure if you're familiar with the Alzheimer's Association, but they might have a local support group and their site should have more information re: Alzheimer's and related types of dementia:  http://www.alz.org

I'm not sure if you've heard of the book, "the 36-hour day", but it has more info and tips for caregivers of those with Alzheimer's and other types of dementia (and memory loss).
Beagle24

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Posts: 5
Reply with quote  #72 
Just an update on my situation with my son. Last month he finally reached his "rock bottom" not to mention he almost died after using 9 cans of duster in 2 days. Unfortunately his 11 year old daughter found him unconscious in his own vomit and feces. He was taken to the hospital and then he signed himself into an inpatient rehab facility on July 3. I told him that his daughter should be out chasing butterflies and riding her bike, not worrying about whether her daddy is alive or dead. I think he now realizes just what he has done to his family while trying to get that high. I just had a letter from him yesterday and he is doing well. He feels better than he has for years and says he realizes that his life is worth more than drugs, alcohol and duster. He says he has given his life to God and is reading the Bible. I am afraid to have any expectations or hopes at this point because I know that relapse is a possibility once he gets out. But I do pray that there are no relapses and he only goes forward from here. I went to Al Anon and am reading everything I can get my hands on about addiction and how I can preserve my inner peace and life.
KingKovykina

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Posts: 1
Reply with quote  #73 
I am only 17 years old. No I have never ever touched air duster. But I lost my mother cuz of air duster on june 4 of 2013. My mom was my best friend and I was with her almost 24/7. But she had a addiction to air duster. I still am angry with her but I miss my mom so so much. She came home one day and went into her room. I knew what she was doing as soon as she walked into the house. around 9:30 I went to bed and at 1:00 my step dad came into my room and told me she wasn't breathing. I jumped outta bed and ran into her room and grabbed her arm to see if she had a pulse. she didn't. she was cold and stiff.
Beagle24

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Posts: 5
Reply with quote  #74 
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. That is not easy at any age, but especially hard at age 17. I pray that you will find peace someday with all that you are going through. Anger is one of the stages of grief and you will need to work through that anger to obtain your own inner peace. I suggest that you talk with a counselor or pastor as soon as possible, if you can. It does help to share your feelings with someone else. In my situation, I am the mother of a son who got into this duster at age 34. I had never heard of it before his involvement. I had heard of huffing gas, paint and white-out before but never realized air duster was so addicting. He has a son who is 15 and a daughter who is 12. They know about his problem and it is very hard on them to come to grips with it. He recently went into rehab for it and did come back out clean and seems like he has a new attitude about life. But unfortunately I know that he could relapse at any minute and that is in the back of my mind always. Please talk to someone who can help you deal with your loss. Also your dad may need to talk to someone. Keep in touch. I will pray for your situation.
Georgialeeb50

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Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #75 
Agreed! My son used dust off for the first time while driving my car. He didn't know the affects it would have. He passed out and drove head on into another car killing the driver instantly. My son is 18 and is now facing Gross vehicular manslaughter charges with prison time. He is horrified and feels terrible about what he has done. Why is this deadly, lethal produce so available to purchase? This sickens me and am seeking how to go about making this product locked up or over the age of 18 required to purchase?
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Georgia Barnette
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