i am 36 years old, i have a 5 year old daughter and 7 year old son whom i raise alone. their mother and i were both drug addicts and alcoholics together though our drugs of choice differed as ell as alcohol type and frequency.
in 2009 i quit dunking and stopped using pot and illicit substances. i found my salvation at MICA programs (Mentally Ill Chemically Addicted.) I was diagnosed several years ago with GAD (general anxiety disorder and its worse then the name sounds, it not like just a generl feeling, it means taht i may feel anxiety at all times), chronic moderate depression and recently borderline personality disorder. theyre mother stayed on the path of the addict and graduated many times to lower levels of guttery.... i am all my kids have
point being i am not simply a drug addict and alcoholic i am also mentally ill , after so many years of not drinking or using drugs why did i suddenly begin to huff computer at my moms house. i passed out and split my eyebrow on her computer desk . i have a scar in my right eybrow from it. it was 4th of july 11 and i made up a bs story.
i didn't really understand why i was drawn to this and especially embarrassed because here i had resisted some many things for so many years and the had a technical relapse (technical because it wasnt a drug i had retired from. it seemed family stress was at the original root, shortly after i huffed at a friends house while they weren't home and split my right eyebrow again. i had lied to my psycho therapist about the first one but now i had to come clean. she was baffled, i was still baffled.
then i happened Thanksgiving, but worse was Christmas day 6 cans and i don't know if it was the withdrawl or the amount in my blood stream but i had a 103 degree by the evening and half the next day. i was also vomiting. i didnt tell my mom, but she found out an d i told my therapist and she said that one more time and she is state mandated to send me to a state outpatient drug [program and i was fine for months.
suddenly last week it just started again, and with just me and my children in the house. i had made sure there was food they could serve themselves and the doors in the whole house locked and verbally reinforced the no unlocking the door for nobody policy.
i thought it would be just a day, but it happened through out the weekend and i could not stop, maybe having done over 20 cans by Monday and though i was able to feed the kids and get them washed for bed i could not get out of bed to send them to school. i left a message on my therapist machine that i had spent 5 days in be and i was very afraid. i thought making the call would have been enough but sure enough Tuesday and Wednesday YOU MUST BE ASKING YOURSELVES WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? i didn't do it for the five minute high but rather feel as if i no longer exist.
Wednesday i called her (my therapist) up in crisis saying i need inpatient program asap, she asked why and i told her the huff again and she said she was gong to have to put me in the drug program, which i imediatley consented to. i was very afraid, im a former nurse and i dont even know the pathology of the drugs s fatality mechanism. Thursday (yesterday)i had a meeting with the state psychiatrist for my disability and right before i leave to drive 45 minutes to my appointment my therapist calls and tells me shes called CPS (child protective services) i immediately had a panic attack and several more that day. (for the past 4 years ive had irregular nightmares of the state taking my children from me)
when the case workers and the cops came to my house i told them every thing (the officer kept asking veiled questions and i dont know if it was out of habit or he didt realize that i did not get busted, i essentially turned my self in knowing i need help.
despite my therapist saying i would not be given inpatient treatment the cps supervisor was so concerned she sent a worker this morning to request firmly that i ask a family member to take the kids while i did an impatient program and in this way they are certainly saving my life. my kids' webt to my sisters today and over the next few days i will be working along cps and social services to get me in a fancily by Wednesday. had i not reported myself the level of their help may be very different (certainly less polite)
now i just have to make it through the weekend. it has become very apparent that talking about how to get it, use it and even how fatal this problem is because we end up teaching the next kid how to do it.
i am writing all of this because this addiction (being unable from stopping myself from buying it as well as spending al thee time rechecking all the other cans. i am writing all this because i am lucky i did not dye and i am lucky my kids did not get themselves hurt or worse while i in and out of conciseness, but maybe enough of these stories will draw a picture.
together we will figure this out
thank you reading for all of this and please feel free to shure, much love and blessing to everyone and prayers and condolences for all whom have already lost