I started huffing about 3 years ago. I started in seventh grade. I huffed shoe polish or cleaner. Then I went to White Out, markers, Nail Polish, Nail Polish Remover, & that's all I basically do. I dunno how I actually started huffing. I think I started when I sprayed the shoe polish on my shoe & I loved the smell of it. & i think ever since then i loved the way it made me feel.
I reunited with my cousin on September 9, 2009 & i showed her how to huff only because she showed me marijuana. So i felt i owed her. I actually got her addicted to it too. Me & her did it together when we were at her house. It was a quick high & it felt great. She even brang it to school & left it in her locker. We felt in a whole new world. But then she got caught cause she was using my phone to text her friend & her mom caught her then her mom read the text messages & my cousin was explaining to her friend how to huff. I acted like I had no idea what my cousin was doing when i felt really guilty because i showed her.
I got caught last year in 8th grade huffing in my room next to my sister while she was sleeping. I thought my mom was asleep so i decided to do it real quick. So i sprayed it on a rolled up sock but i usually spray it on the sleeve of my sweaters. My mom went in my room to turn the TV off & I threw the sock on the side of my bed & my mom asked what that was & i kept responding nothing, nothing. I finally gave it to her & she went crazy on me. But i was to high to cry or anything. I had no emotions at the time. & Then she asked me who taught me & my quick response was my cousin. But i lied. So she would back off a little. That whole week for me was HELL , me & my cousin went to the same school at the time & we planned out our whole story. Who did what & all that stuff. & it was all my fault. My mom had sat me down with my dad & she asked how many times i have done this. I lied & said at least 5. She asked me if i was addicted & needed help i lied again & said no. I had lost all my moms trust that year. I messed up really bad. I couldn't be home alone & i had to be watched when i used sharpies. Last year was the worst year for me ever.
I gained my mom's trust back & i got all my privileges back but I'm still huffing & i know for a fact I'm addicted to it. I'm trying to stop but nothing is helping me because when i know i must huff is when i start to taste the shoe polish in my mouth or when i smell it. My mom tried hiding it from me but i found it which isn't good. Because now that i know its there i huff it when necessary. i have these voices in head to. & its really annoying. its like when i wanna do something bad they argue back & forth then i end up listening to the bad. I feel so bad cause my mom trust me but I'm still huffing. I know i need help. But i don't wanna tell my mom i want to do this on my own. I know its better if i have support from my loved ones but i cant hurt them again. At least not this bad again. I'm doing good in school & everything seems okay so my mom doesn't suspect a thing. but i fear one day my mom might catch me huffing again or worse me laying on the floor & her not knowing how i died because she thinks i stopped but in reality i didn't.
I really need help can you help me? Or at least talk me through my addiction? I wanna get clean but i don't think i have the will power to do so.