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Darkrubberducky

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Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #1 
Hello to everyone.

First off I want to say none of you are freaks, outcasts, or less than anyone else in the world. I want to tell you all a story and I want you to listen (read rather) well. I'm not a user, but my girlfriend who was more like my wife was.

She passed away on December 12, 2017 from huffing nail polish. I've read all your stores, yes, all of them. She was like the majority of you. She hid it very well and you would never know looking at her. She was beautiful, smart, energetic, creative, but she was also depressed (which I didn't understand right away), anemic, and felt lonely even though I was there for her. Truly a waste of a beautiful woman. We loved each other very much, as well as fought very much. She had mood swings and was irrational. I'm not saying it was because of the huffing, but I wont' say it wasn't from it as well. It was her escape.

I DO NOT want ANY ONE here to die the way she did. I want you to think about your husbands/wives/girlfriends/boyfriends and family. Leaving them with the burden of your death is one of the cruelest things you can do to them. It's unfair... and selfish. When you're gone they're left with a void, a hole, and an emptiness that can never be filled. I want you to imagine leaving that burden behind on those who love you the most. Your children... growing and living with no mother. Your parents grieving and crying everyday because you're suppose to bury them, but instead they have to bury you. You don't think you're gonna die, you don't feel it. It's easier to die than you think. We all feel like were not gonna die till we do. How many deaths have you encountered in life? Were they planned? None of them were, even if it was from cancer or another illness. I never once thought death would hit so close to me at an early age. I'm 34. My girlfriend was 30 when she passed.

I loved her so much, that I dealt with her problems. I helped her, but towards the last two months before she passed I found out she started huffing again after she had passed.(things hidden away) This was something she had been doing since 14, she obviously was addicted and did it from that time till her death. I was with her for 3 years and we lived together for 3 years. We took showers together, cooked together, made love whenever we wanted. She would have wiped my ass if I was too drunk or couldn't do it myself. I'm telling you this because I want you to know how close we were. This isn't about me or even her, it's about YOU!!!YOU!!!. We got into a fight and she went to stay at her moms (all her things still at home) she went to get a hotel and huffed there and returned to her moms the next day. I was busy with work and let her recover one more day at her moms so I thought. It turns out she was huffing the whole time the day we fought and the next day I thought she was recovering. I went to go get her the next day and bring her home, but it was too late by the time I got there. Her nervous system was affected from the huffing from the "high" and she went into cardiac arrest.

Again, it doesn't matter what age you are, what job you have, how much income you make. You are reading this for one purpose. That is because you want help or you want to stop. You need to stop, not just for yourself, but for your loved ones. Think about them if you can't stop for yourself. Think about the burden, the bills, the pain, the emptiness, and the depression you'll cause when you're gone. What if your children later take on your habits when you're gone and die following you? What if they (your family) being depressed without you and turn into alcoholics and kill themselves or someone else in an accident. Think about the real long term ripple effects of your actions. 

I'm here not for myself because I miss my woman. I'm here because this makes me feel like I can help, even if 1 person. I felt guilty when she passed. I was angry at myself for not going sooner. For fighting with her, for letting her die. At the end of the day I know it wasn't my fault no matter what I said or did or didn't do. She chose to do this to herself. She chose to hurt herself. She knew it was bad, but she couldn't stop or felt like she couldn't stop. People can change, people can quit. I quit drinking I know. People who find out they have cancer from smoking want to all of a sudden quit... it's too late then. You gotta quit now before something more serious happens. What if you're high driving and kill a family. What if you die the way my girlfriend died? What will your family think then about your secret or habits? What will your friends think when they find out? What will your children think of you, or worse about themselves?

I'm here to tell you the PAIN is unimaginable. You can't understand no matter how much you try to or think you can. If you have lost a mother or father or child then you can relate to losing your wife. Yes, I said my wife because I would have married her we talked about it. We were planning to buy a house in 2018. We talked about having children of our own as well in 2018. She had 2 children previously from her first relationship. Her kids are great kids and beautiful kids who now have no mother at age 8 and 11. I tell you these things because my life changed. She changed my life... I lost her, I lost everything because she was everything. All our plans dead... All our dreams for the future dead... everything is gone when you are gone. The house is quieter, the days and nights are longer and lonelier, the world is different and colder. The bed is empty and cold. Dinner isn't cooked with anybody. Your makeup area is empty, your clothes and items are all that's left of you. Nothing feels the same, nothing looks the same. We are forever changed in a negative way, even if we heal and move on. We are tarnished from the way you left us. We cherish what we can from the pictures and memories. We smell your clothes missing you, we'd give anything to hold you in our arms again and make love to you and tell you that you're perfect and that we love and need you and that nothing else matters.... but it's too late, because you're gone. Everyone is affected... children, family, friends. You've hurt not only yourself, but pretty much Fu*ked them up too. I'm going to be ok because I'm strong. Because I have the will to go on and I will live for her and everyone else who died, but I would trade anything to have her back and spend more time with her like she asked me too. Trust me when I tell you this in GOD's Name that none of you want to do this to the people you love. You can't imagine or even begin to comprehend what it feels like or what it will cause to your loved ones. It will destroy anything and anyone that's happy or worse sad/depressed already.

If you love your family, your children, yourself, you must stop. Huffing causes depression and messes with your state of mind. It makes you over think things that arn't true. It causes mood swings. Trust me when I tell you it's just a matter of time before you die from it. Yes, we all die one way or another, but huffing greatly increases those chances. It permanently effects the brain and the nervous system. It only takes from you, it does not give.

If you need someone to talk to you can email me at: Darkrubberducky@gmail.com directly. I will not ask you for your name (you can give me a fake name or a first name or something to call you by) I will help you and not tell anyone about your business and I will genuinely understand. If you're scared or feel that you may be bothering me, dont... I'm offering to be a listener, I'm offering to help you if you really want it. I can understand you better than you think. Your secrets, I know them because I've dealt with them. There's nothing you can tell me that will make me look at your differently, there's nothing you can say that will turn me away from you. I will listen and I will try to help you if you really want me too, because I couldn't help the person I loved most. I owe it to her to help someone else and I think it will help me grieve as well if I can be of service to someone else.

I know it's hard... really, really, really, really hard. But ask yourself, is it worth your family? Because that's what you destroy when you destroy yourself. This thing only takes from you, it doesn't give anything in return. 

For those of you asking me for advice on how to quit REACH OUT TO ME. Not on here because I wont be checking this site, but I will check my emails.

I'M GONNA HELP YOU. FIRST OFF DO THESE THINGS NOW!!!!!!!: GO DO IT NOW!!!!!
1. Take all the stuff and pour it down the toilet, flush it. Get rid of it all. Do not buy anymore. Anything that's in your car, office, work, purse, gym back, secret compartment in your purse, a fake starbucks cup, where ever the hell you keep it or have it. Get rid of it. If you don't go into work till tomorrow or next week Get rid of it first thing.
you will accomplished and have taken step 1, the most important step. You can always restart, but you shouldn't have too if you love your family.

2. Do not purchase it again. THINK about your children and family. When you have an urge to buy I want you to picture your family dying. Seriously dying, because when you hurt yourself, you hurt them. When you die a part of them dies. They may even commit suicide after you, who knows... Go buy a sex toy, or a purse or shoes or whatever. If you're a woman buy 2 sex toys. If you're a guy buy 2 sex toys. I'm serious. Use these things to fulfill yourself and make yourself feel good. I know it's not the same, but try it instead.

3. Stay busy, find something to do. Chores, help your children with homework. Go out with the girls. "Hey girls I wanna do a girls night out. Let's all go to this restaurant or this bar and grab a few drinks" Go buy some lingerie or a new tv for your man.


4. Take it one day at a time, and count your days. Every day you get by I want you to think that's one more day to being happier and being closer to your goal which is to be free from it. I guess in a way they say once an addict always an addict. Even people who are alcoholics stop for years, but they're considered alcoholics still. Whatever screw a label and screw "the" label. Just focus on you, your life, your happiness, your family. Get things in order. Get in shape, get your sex life back in high gear. If you're unhappy about something fix it. If you're unhappy with your partner leave, find a new one. If you hate your job, quit. Whatever you need to do you do, but YOU DO NOT PICK UP THAT THING you once did. It's gonna be in your past like a bad memory or ex boyfriend that wasn't worth your time.


Here's some advice. (we all are adults right? so lets be upfront)

When you feel the urge to huff do these things:
1. read my post. save it screenshot it, whatever you need to do. Read it over and over till you're sick of it and have it memorized. When you become numb and you think it's just bull. Email me, if email gets too boring or not enough I'll give you my number. You can text me. Later if you feel comfortable you can call me. Whatever.
2. Sex. Sex. and more sex. We all love it. Go make love to your husband or your wife or whoever you are with. If they're not around masturbate. Over and over. Every time you want to use, masturbate instead. If you huff 5-10 times a day now you'll be masturbating that many times a day instead. Seriously... if it doesn't help email me. I'll respond as fast as I can and we can talk, text, whatever. 
3. find something else to do that you enjoy, cooking, shopping, watching your favorite netflix, take your children out to the park, or to McDonalds, or to watch a movie. Clean house, do laundry, just take a drive and think about it. 
4. Go online for something you want to buy, go look up purses, shoes, clothes, whatever you want.
5. Plan a vacation
6. Work. Keep yourself busy so you dont think about huffing.

If you got the guts. Discreetly write a note saying "I'm sorry to bother you, but I need to be discrete as possible. Do not sell me nail polish (or whatever you are addicted to). I have a problem. Thank you for understanding." Drop these off at every/any place you can get it in the area. If YOU REALLY want to quit do it. Your pride, put it to the side. If it's too much for you to do... ok, just follow the rules. DONT BUY IT. If you ever catch yourself buying it and the struggle and addiction is too strong do your best to overcome it. When you're driving home throw it out the window. When you walk out the store throw it right into the trash can and walk. Think of me and my story and my beautiful woman who passed the same way. It hurts me and gives me strength to write this to each of you who need to read it. Do not let this thing win, IT IS NOT STRONGER THAN YOU. IT IS NOT BETTER THAN YOU. YOU HAVE THE POWER to do anything you want in this world. Love yourself enough to stop, and if you can't Love your children or your family more and do it for them.

I wish each of you the best and hope this helps at least 1 person. Let it be YOU!
Partnerisanaddict

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Posts: 10
Reply with quote  #2 
Beautiful post. I'm so sorry for your pain. Sad for her children as well
Anonnona

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Posts: 7
Reply with quote  #3 
I'm so so sorry ducky. I'm at the point of tears. Even though this post isn't supposed to be about you, I want to bring it back around to you. You seem like you did everything you could to save her. You did it by the book. That's what moves me the most is seeing how much you gave knowing that you could lose it. You're a good person. You need to know she loved you with all her heart. She didn't choose this over you. Huffing becomes a habit, like wiping your ass after using the bathroom, you don't think, you just do. I hope you find peace my friend.
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