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Some of the things I'm about to vent about and put out here is really hard and scary for me... it'd probably be nasty weird unladylike and disgusting to the readers that read this but I'm hurting bad mentally and physically and have no where else to talk to about this... please don't judge me
Well it all started when I was younger the first time my mouth watered for the smell of anything was in a shoe store! Like Iv been in shoe stores before but on this one particular day it was like my brain spoke out loud for the first time ever... the smell of new shoes was everything to me!... then out of no where months later I got caught in the rain and my shoes got wet I didn't wash them like I did my clothes just simply through them in my closet and went on with my life... about 3 days later in a rush to leave my house I through on them same shoes damped and all and went about my day when I got home later that day (Note I'm from the south so it's always extra hot there)but got home walked in my room took my shoes off and smelled the smell of what would be corn chips and gym clothes to you guys but to me it was the same mouth watering pleasure I got from the smell of new shoes... fast forward to 2005 I went to job Corps and the dorms gots inspectioned every week so we cleaned with the normal cleaning supplies bleach, wendex, ammonia, pine-Sol and some other strong stuff we have to use for stripping the tile floor.... That's when my addiction leveled up! Never have I ever smelled some that made me feel alive and gave me a mouth watering high like the ammonia did!... I would tell me roommates not to worry I'd clean the whole room or come in early to clean alone just so I could sniff at my own pleasure it's lasted about two years until I graduated... fast forward to now 2017 I am now 29 years old 3 kids later a girlfriend of two years and only 2 people in my life knows about my addiction my brother and sister... I believe the only reason I laying here putting all this out is because I'm sooooo hooked on sniffing ammonia it's become apart of my daily routine... Iv been sniffing ammonia at least 3 to 4 times a day for about 20 mins for about 6 to 7 years strong... Im starting to cry now because I can't excape it I literally smell it when I'm not even sniffing it which makes me want to go lock myself in my room to have a go at one of the 7 jugs I have :,( .... I feel Iv damage myself mentally because after every meal my brain tells me I NEED to go sniff it like people smoke cigarettes after a meal and I feel Iv damaged myself physically because my brain hurts when I laugh its hurts when I sleep it hurts when I wash or comb my hair I have really bad chest pains my body overall just feels off... Iv lost my way and don't know the step for getting help you guys :,,(( my girlfriend is asleep next to me and I'm sobbing like a baby because I'm hurting I can't sleep and I know I'm killing myself... I want and need the help I just feel I'm not strong enough to get it or how to go about getting it... Ima continue to pray and ask please don't judge me please just pray for me.
Thank you to who ever listened :,(