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heartbroken

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Posts: 25
Reply with quote  #16 
It has been 3 days since my last post.  Since that post my ex has been has been arrested several more time for the same behaviors.  His car has been impounded and he has had 3 separate hospital trips.  His friend attempted to have him involuntarily committed but they denied the request stating he's just a drug addict.  I obviously disagree with this but in the end I am left powerless again.  He was found today by his cousin in a dirty motel room passed out from a combination of dust off & vodka.  It's groundhog's day.  Dust off, arrest, hospital, repeat repeat... it is so exhausting!  I had to tell his family today that I am done.  I have given all I have & I must move forward.  I can't bare to hear anymore of the details of this nasty addiction.  I have tried everything I can possibly think off to help & I am painfully resigning to a hopeless state about his addiction to this poison.  I am still left answering my son's painful questions about daddy.  I wish I had solid answers for him but I do not.  I am living a nightmare! 
richie

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Posts: 20
Reply with quote  #17 
 Your story touched me and again I feel a little less alone. Shame about being a bad dad, losing my son, the one I kept so safe for so long, is isolating me. I can't stand to tell anyone of my confusing loss. I have a good week and out of nowhere a bad one. When I read of your tragedy and struggle I wept that there are more out there, daily, and yet we are still unknown.  I am kinda new at grieving such a large loss. The end of terrible, confusing torture is a blessing in a way, though of little solace. My son is no longer captive on this earth and subject to sellers of poison. I wish folks like my son and all users felt less ignored and abandoned, less disposable by the system. Your lives have great value, your spark of life is unique and precious, help for my son should have been easier to find and effective until he was  out of danger. Justin was always careful never to say the word suicide to a professional though his behavior was clearly destructive. I think if he had, possibly he would have been taken seriously and longtermed until this addiction let go. Use of these cans is death eventually and even worse than death.  I guess I have no answers but I do pray that still you will find one.  You are brave just to address this in your life, I hope you continue to reach out with understanding that most of us don't know anything about the dynamics of addiction, let alone this uniquely deceptive one. This addiction is a quick and evil killer of the innocent, you need all the help and support you can find, no time to wait, in retrospect I wish I would have lied to the police and claimed he mentioned suicide,   richie    
heartbroken

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Posts: 25
Reply with quote  #18 
I am so sorry Richie for your loss.  You will be in my prayers!  Do not have shame about being a bad dad, I can tell you loved your son very much, but addiction has no boundaries!  My ex comes from a wonderful family, who love & care for him deeply.  He is educated, successful, talented, intelligent, hansome, etc, but is also & addict. 

I work in the field of social work, I am very well educated about addiction/ mental health.  I can honestly say in my 14 years working with mental health & addiction I have never seen anything quite like this dust off addiction.  I believe that there is also a self harm component to using this drug, similar to those who cut, scratch or burn themselves.  Every time my ex uses he winds up arrested, in the hospital & his hygiene is non existent.  Even the worst heroin/crack addicts do not go to the hospital every time they use.  My ex gets burnt, vomits, urinates & defecates on himself.  I do not know why the mental health system does not see the use of this drug as being a threat to yourself.  I do not know if my ex is on a "suicide mission, " but I think this poison makes him just not care if he lives or dies.  It is pure evil in a can! 

The fact that there are those who legally profit from it makes me sick.  I have more anger toward the employees at the store.  Before I entered my profession, I bartended to put myself through college.  If somebody would have walked into my bar covered in vomit, urine, feces, burns and hadn't showered in a week... I never would have served them a drink!  Meanwhile these employees are selling him 6 packs of dust off. There are times when my ex will go into the same store 3 times in a few hours & they continue to sell to him!  I don't know what can be done with the companies who produce this trash but I think a possible solution is extensive training for employees who are responsible for selling this poison. 

It is currently Friday, my ex hasn't used since Wednesday afternoon.  He is staying with a family member.  I am praying he can continue to sustain the temptation of this evil.  He has had sober patches of a week or two during these past 4 months, never more than two weeks.  I want to be hopeful but I do remain cautious & skeptical!




heartbroken

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Posts: 25
Reply with quote  #19 
2 days since my last post.  My ex is still sober since Wednesday.  Want to be positive & hopeful but still remaining cautious.  He wanted to have dinner with me son & I last night but I stood my ground against this not because I am cold but because I have done this before.  I have let him back in only for him to ditch us for a can.  I am happy that he is not out huffing another can, but I am still left dealing with all the consequences.  I just cry.   My parents have complete venom toward him, they do not want him at all in our lives & have all but forbid me to see him.  Dust off has completely destroyed my life!
Kms1973

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Posts: 10
Reply with quote  #20 
I read your post and it just broke my heart. My husband at the age of 48 passed away in September 2014. He had been going through a series of depression and mental illness. He began using dust off for six months before he died. I am sure that I don't need to tell you that me finding him dead was not something that I wanted. It was the most terrifying thing that I could ever think of. So as I read your story and brought me to tears everything you wrote really hit home for me. The medical examiner called Me last week to confirm that he tested positive for dust off in his system. That was such a difficult thing to hear. But thank you for giving such as honest and accurate depiction of what happened to you. I only wish that that had been the case that my husband would have read something like that it may be he would be alive. I hope people take the time to thank you for your honesty and education that some of us need. Reading that just really hit home for me, the 19th would have been our 17 year anniversary. So now as I look back I have to remember the good things and not the bad things.
heartbroken

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Posts: 25
Reply with quote  #21 
kms- I am so terribly sorry for your loss, I will pray for you.  I hope you can find solace in the good times you two shared.  Your post also brought me to tears & hit close to home.  I have unfortunately imagined being in your shoes many times over the past few months.  My ex is still killing himself on the installment plan, the only difference now is I don't have the front row seat anymore.  He was found last Friday in the woods barely breathing by a friend, and again this morning in a similar situation & is currently in the hospital with a lung infection.  He had about 2 weeks sober before that.  I saw him last week, not sure why I went but I felt I had to see him again just in case he died on his binge.  He looks awful, like the walking dead.  He has lost about 35lbs since he started using, & is just a shell of himself.  He coughs all the time and his voice is so weak.  Before this he was in wonderful physical shape, could have been on the cover of a fitness magazine... the transformation is horrid!  I know he is already on borrowed time, if he continues to use it will only be a matter of days before we lose him to this poison.  I go through periods of anger, sadness & frustration.  I just pray because there is really nothing else that I can do!
Kms1973

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Posts: 10
Reply with quote  #22 
Dear heartbroken,
I still feel pain and sometimes question if I could have tried harder, or maybe if i walked in the bedroom twenty minutes earlier maybe just maybe I could have saved him? I will also say a word or two to the man upstairs for you. I think if I could go Back in time I would do so many other things to help him. But, I find that could have should haves just lead to the pain of remembering that sight that is so hard to forget, a once filled with life dead on a floor. Be there when they are ready for help you can do.
heartbroken

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Posts: 25
Reply with quote  #23 
Kms - I can tell you loved your husband very much.  Please do not woulda, coulda, shoulda yourself.  I am sure you tried to help him, sure you tried hard.  You were powerless over his addiction just as he was.  Addiction is such a painful disease, it leaves so many victims.  On top of it a dust off addiction is especially cruel.  I have seen many many addicts in my years.  Dust off is by far a whole different ball of wax.  I go through periods of anger, frustration and ultimately terrible sadness... as I am sure you do too. 

Last night was awful.  He signed himself out of the hospital & went out to dust.  Cops caught him & tried to have him involumatrily committed to no avail.  By 12am he was calling begging to come home.  I denied.

 We had a family meeting with him tonight I guess a pseudo intervention.  We all told him we will no longer have any contact with him if he uses.  He will also be homeless.  I wish I was fully convinced that this time will be different but I've been fooled before. 

Sending prayers...
heartbroken

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Posts: 25
Reply with quote  #24 
So he chose to be homeless.  I'm so numb. 
Kms1973

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Posts: 10
Reply with quote  #25 
I hope he sees that there are so many options out there for him and that he has people that care. Hope all works out and he sees a light at the end of the tunnel
needhelp

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Posts: 1
Reply with quote  #26 
Just got my 2nd dui to this stuff.  Blacked out while delivering pizza, crossed the median into oncoming traffic, went down in an embankment and hit a car in a subway parking lot.  A lady was getting into her car when I struck it.  One more foot over and I could have hit and killed her, not to mention the danger that I put people in the other lane of traffic in.  this is my second dui in 5 weeks and I have only been huffing for 2 months.  Please don't try this and if you do stop now before you kill yourself and/or others.
Kms1973

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Posts: 10
Reply with quote  #27 
Hang in there need help. There is hope and seeing the dangers and seeing that you need help is the first step. Also being Alive to help others is positive thing.
heartbroken

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Posts: 25
Reply with quote  #28 
So after almost 2 weeks clean by my ex, he's back to using dust off.  I always try to be hopeful but it always ends in the same way... doing duster, passing out & getting arrested.  Will this cycle ever end?!  I'm afraid it will not before he dies.  I'm so damn angry, & in so much pain.  This poison has it's claws in him so deep I am afraid its way past the point of return.  This is not the man I have known for 20 plus years. 
heartbroken

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Posts: 25
Reply with quote  #29 
My ex got out of jail after 7 weeks in there for charges related to dust off.  While in there he was positive, & seemed motivated to gain control of his life back.  Within 12 hours he was back to using and is currently missing.  No secret what he is doing & this is typical.  This poison grabs a hold of people so tight & will not let go!  Good luck to all who are affected by this deadly addiction.
missuTee

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Posts: 1
Reply with quote  #30 
After reading most of these posts I'm glad I'm not alone..... on 8/31/2014 I lost my fiance
To dust off. We were together for 8 years and have a beautiful little girl named Lillyana. It all started just 8 months ago and ironically we had just beat an opiate addiction that we struggled with for 4 years previous. I finally thought we were heading up the right path and finally working together as a team.
Then about 2 months later in mid January we seen an episode of intervention where this girl was addicted to dust off. That sparked her curiosity and sure enough we happened to have a can at home by the computer. I wish to this day i had just tossed the damn thing. When she noticed she wanted to try it out. At first we were both doing it but then she wrecked my dad's truck with me and our daughter.
the crash could have easily taken birth of our lives but fortunately we walked away with minor injuries.
Afterwards I had gotten tired of wasting entire days in a row basically being blacked out 90% of the time.
I got lucky and landed a new job and gotta car 3 months later. The following week I let her use car for day and when she came to pick me up from work I noticed a can on the floor. She said it was from way earlier and that she was fine to drive. I didn't think she would make the same mistake twice....
I was wrong... just a few minutes on the freeway and next thing I know we're crashing into ditch.... both me and our daughter in car again.... by both times she got cans just after. We started fighting daily because it seemed like she only cared about huffing and blacking out. Eventuality she convinced her mom that she was in danger living with me and got into an apartment on her own with mom paying for it.... her mom thought it would be a good idea to
Keep her close but didn't realize the apartment was right next to Walmart. I knew from that very moment tragedy was looming. She swore to be that she was over it but was now leading a double life... actually just lying about doing good in recovery while in denial that she now had a habit far worst... the morning of she called and complained her heart was racing and stomach hurt. I had just seen her and knew she had stopped taking her methadone dose
Which would cause withdrawal..I thought that was why she was feeling this way. After telling her to relax she said "I'll just call my mom and have her take me shopping or something" making me think it wasn't that serious..... that was the last time we would speak......a few hours later her sister came and broke the bad news..... her mom trying to cover it up had her cremated 3 days later. ...I never got to day goodbye.... it's been 3 weeks and I'm still shocked... she died without warning... I'm trying to stay strong but often feel as if I'm postponing an inevitable panic attack.....if only I had known....
If only her mom had listened.....woulda, shoulda, coulda now haunt me.... not sure how I'm gong to get thru this
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