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fifty57seven

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #1 
I'm addicted to hairspray.
Does this mean I'm an actual "Addict"? When I hear "addict" i think of those addicted to drugs and alcohol... NOT hairspray.

That thought doesnt seem to process well in my head. Unfortunately today, I got high off hairspray. And now I feel sick to my stomach. I'm just so disappointed with myself. I dont even think it's possibly for me to stop anymore...

I've been addicted to hairspray since the 7th grade. I'm gonna be in my 3rd year of college coming this fall. before i started my freshmen year in college... I had been CLEAN for about 8 months, it was nothing but "will power" from me and somehow i ended up giving in at some point. The temptation of getting that high feeling got to me. 

I'm really afriad to turn to my parents or any of my friends for help. I've never really been the type that would seek out help when I really need it. I'm pretty sure they'll wonder how it turned out like this for me. I mean, I was rasied in a good family, all my friends are good (basicially call them the nerds /smartasses  in high school). I really had a good life, but then again at somepoint I did feel depressed about something, yet i'm really not so sure about what though. I really dont understand how it's gotten so bad. How did sometimes smelling nail polish remover get to being addicted to HAiR SPRAY?! Its kinda like... WTF right.

And you know whats really messed up? My boyfriend (of 4 months) is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict (he's been clean for almost 2 years this coming june). I sometimes go with him to his AA meetings and I hear all these stories about the other AA memebers. And i sit there... KNOWING what i'm doing is wrong, but I dont consider myself as f*cked up as these people. I mean i'm sure what i'm doing is far worst... but i'm having a hard time admitting that i'm probably the same as them.

I feel like i'm slowly dying inside... i'm so disgusted with myself. last month, i recorded myself getting high, bcuz sometimes i'd black out and really dont remember how i'd end up from the floor and into my bed. I really couldnt believe at what i seen. It really scared me. I looked like a monster! -- No i was a MONSTER.






Starting today... I'm gonna try once again to be clean. (April 22, 2009) will be the start of a new me... and for the better. Since I'm really NOT ready to seek out help from my friends and family and even my boyfriend. I'd apperciate it if i could get some support on here.


Thank you for listening to my random of a message.
justcantquit

Registered: 04/13/09
Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #2 
hey fifty57seven,

I COMPLETELY know what you mean when you say your not ready to get help from anyone. family friends etc. Its really hard to admit that you have a problem, especially when you have a good life. I have a great life, great family and friends, great job. but i am addicted to rubbing alcohol. no one knows it, and i rather keep it that way. Sooner or later someone will find out, the excess bottles in the house, in my car, in my purse, at work. its getting out of hand now. but i have to constantly have it near. i come on here to read posts to take up my time when I have a craving. it works.

the fact that your bf is a recovering addict should give you the strength to quit. tell him, maybe because he knows what its like to be addicted to something, he can help you. and in turn, you two can help each other and it can strenghthen your bond. (just a thought)

It's never just a cold turkey ending kind of thing. people dont understand that inhalants are a true addiction and are very serious. I dont want to encourage you to do it of course, but i found that when you quit cold turkey, you always end up going back because your body will go through withdrawl. it takes time, and little by little you realize that you dont need it. i stopped for 2 years doing it that way.

Honestly, i dont even know how to inhale hairspray. lol ive read about it before but never knew how. do you spray it in a paper bag? (i dont mean to pry, Im just curious) I used to inhale spray paint when i was kid, in a paper bag. only did that twice.

The great part is, that you came for help. We are virtually all strangers but the one thing that unites us is the want to do better for ourselves and our future. Im glad you made the dedication to become clean today. pick up a hobby now, something time consuming that you can be proud of.

Thanks for sharing your story, and good luck!

justcantquit
fifty57seven

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #3 
thank you justcantquit for your reply. it's greatly appreciated. i'll consider talking to my boyfriend about it... i'm sure he'll be willing to help me, since he's overcome his addiction.  


the way that i get high off hairspray is...
usually i'm on the ground, with a towel. I then press the hairspray upside down againist the towel and let the fuse out... and thats when i start inhaling it. and i usually do that until the hairspray is done. by that time i'm so high i dont even remember getting up from the floor and getting into my bed and i go to sleep.


tds

Registered: 03/28/08
Posts: 45
Reply with quote  #4 
I've been at the lowest of lows right there with you guys. We all have our own vice... Mine was chewing styrofoam. Doing so released the chemicals right into my head/mouth so it was almost like I could eatit even though I would just grind it up and spit it out. I don't even remember how or why it started but definitely since I was maybe 10 or so... Off and on through high school, college, and then living with roommates as an adult and now with my fiance. Like you I came here b/c I knew this behaviour wasn't healthy and was at that point, addictive and compulsive. If I ever had an opportunity to grab some I just would without stopping to think if I actually really wanted it. My mouth would water like an actual craving. I would sometimes buy things I didn't really need (say a new dust buster) so that I could have the styrofoam packaging.I decided between two blenders once by peeking inside the boxes. One was packed in styrofoam and one wasn't. Guess which one I chose.. I was hiding it in the closet at home so that I could sneak it in the bathroom even when my now fiance was home with me and we live in a studio apt!! I'm telling u how bad it got so that u can understand how far I've come now and how.I've always been anemic and doctors have always told me to take supplements but I've always been really lazy about it. I started googling about it and found other forums with women from all over saying the same things about craving nail polish remover, rubbing alcohol, gasoline, sharpies, etc and that they were anemic or had low iron. So almost as an experiment I got super vigilent about taking my iron and lo and behold those cravings went away!! I didn't have a mouth watering urge for it. The mental part of the addiction still surfaces but addictions are multi-pronged. At first I did relapse because as usual I got lazy about the supplements but I just tried again and I've now gone about 10 weeks w/o doing what was more or less a lifetime habit that caused me much stress, shame, and anxiety. The voice in my head of why do I do this, I must be crazy, if anyone finds out they're going to completely change how they see me ... I've still never told my fiance. If he ever saw me differently I would just crumble inside. But honestly I've done this for him and our chance for a family. I did tell one of my friends who is a recovering alcoholic and she was very very understanding and it did feel so good to tell someone. It gave the secret less power over me. My own silence was holding me hostage. Sharing here on this site has helped also. Feel free to ask me questions or to look over old posts of mine. I've really chronicled my entire journey here. I'm going to the doctor next week and I think I'm finally going to tell her everything b/c I want to have children soon and I want to make sure everything is ok.

There were times I was sitting in my bathroom by myself with an aching jaw from just chewing and chewing spitting styrofoam into the toilet wondering why I was doing this to myself. When I could have been talking to my fiance, playing with my dog, called my parents just to say hi, worked out (I now belong to the gym) hanging out with my friends ... Basically living my life. The iron gave me the jump start that I needed and all the things I just listed pull me through the rough patches. Also if you read posts by jarod's fiance, whom I proudly now call my friend, I just knew that continuing to do what I was doing when I knew what could be and WOULD be the other side of my addiction was a slap in the face to everyone I knew. Simply put, I did not want to die so when I see it now... I just keep moving and know that I cannot have it. Not even a little. There is no middle ground or level of moderation that makes it ok. I'm being explicitly thorough b/c I have felt exactly as you do and I've been able to stop and YOU can too!!!

__________________
tds
QueshiaB

Moderator
Registered: 06/16/06
Posts: 676
Reply with quote  #5 
fifty57seven- Thanks for your post.  PLEASE heed the comments by justcantquit and tds.
 
You seem like an intelligent young lady.  You have your whole life ahead of you to waste it on getting high.  I agree that you should reach out to someone about your problem, is there a counseling center at your school? a best friend? Your boyfriend would also be a good candidate as he's overcoming his own issues.  Next time you go to an AA meeting with him, try not to judge those who are courageous enough to get help, but listen carefully and see if you learn anything. 
 
A lot of inhalant abusers are unaware, but you can die the 1st or 100th time you try an inhalantSudden Sniffing Death Syndrome is usually associated with cardiac arrest. The chemicals inhaled cause the heart to beat rapidly and erratically, resulting in cardiac arrest.I'm glad you realize this is a problem and you are harming your body with every inhalation.
 
Please take this time in your summer break to get help and better yourself, because (as I'm sure you know) when the school year starts there will be a lot of other issues/stresses to worry about.  Please keep us posted on your progress.

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Queshia B
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abuser1990

Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 3
Reply with quote  #6 
you may get some clean time out of just having "will power" but you will not keep it. in order to get clean and stay that way you must admit you are powerless over your drug of choice. if you are not ready to accept that and work on that than its not going to work. and you have to want it for yourself, not for anyone else. if you dont want to get clean, its not going to happen. i too had an odd addiction which was computer duster.

and you said that you would sit in AA meetings and compare yourself to others. that's not something that will help you. you have to identify, not compare. identify and relate to the FEELINGS they share about, not what they've actually done. The feelings of needing to get high, the depression after running out, etc. Think of principles before personalities.

Maybe attend some NA meetings. I attend NA meetings often adn have books on where the meetings are so if you are interested in talking to me or finding NA meetings, let me know.
fifty57seven

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #7 
Hello,

Thank you everyone for your post. its really greatly apprecitated. I dont judge the people from AA, i mean i'll admit the first time i went to the meeting did, but as i gone to more meetings with my boyfriends and really listening to their stories. I found myself seeing that i was no different then them. I enjoy going to the meetings now and i find myself learning more and trying to get intune with myself and accepting the fact that YES i am a addict.

Before things got so bad for me... i'd only get HIGH when i would go through a lot of stress, and it would help me get away just for a little while. Which would be like once every few months or so. My first year of college I was able to no give myself access to getting high, only because i dormed and i had a roomate. there was NO way i'd get myself caught, so then i'd get high on the times i'd visit home (i'm from hawaii and i attended UH). bt ever since this past december, i had been under so much stress... and so every chance i had to get Hairsprays, i'd go for it.

I want to stop using Hairspray for myself. For so long i've had a negative outlook on life. Never really looking at the brighter things in life. Always choosing to bring myself down and never really allowing myself to be happy. Bt i actually do want to get married, start my own family and grow old with my loved one. For that to happen, i need to be alive...

I AM very glad to say that today (April 26,2009) i've been clean for a whole week. I know it's not much, but it's just a little step. The other day I went to get gorceries with my mother. We usually go every other week and normally thats when I'd always get my 2 Hairspray and get my "high-on". As i passed the hair products, i felt an urge to grab my 2 hairsprays. but i'm so happy with myself that i did not take them. Even right now, my nose has the urge to inhale the hairspray fumes. Bt i'm not going to try my best, I'M going to fight it. I need to and i want to. 
reaboud

Registered: 04/28/09
Posts: 5
Reply with quote  #8 
fifty57seven

CONGRATULATIONS on being clean for a week.  Please keep it up!  I lost a great friend on Sunday (April 26, 2009) to huffing.  I am not going to go into it again, you can read my posts, but if one person can be changed, just one soul still here, I know Ricky would feel better.  He was a wonderful man with a huge heart and everyone is wondering "WHY???"  Like you, not many people knew he did it, cause he didn't want anyone to look a him differently.  After all, he was an adult and this is a "kids high".  That, it is NOT!!!  I have known 3 people, including my 35 year old friend, in my small town, dying from huffing in the past 2 months.  The other two were 29 and 46.  It hits anyone, not just kids. 

I am glad that you are trying to get the help you need.  I bet if you tell someone, you will get a bigger support system than you think.  If your friends/family truly care about you, they will stand by you and try their best to get you the help you need.  They will not look at you any differently than they do now--its called unconditional love!!!

Please keep up the good work and keep me posted on your progress!!  I will pray that when you have your cravings, you are able to resist them with no problems.  Ricky couldn't resist that last craving, and it killed him.  I am sure you don't want make your friends and family go through what we are going through now.  Its pure hell...

reaboud
QueshiaB

Moderator
Registered: 06/16/06
Posts: 676
Reply with quote  #9 

fifty57seven- Being clean for a week is a GREAT start! Remember the little steps make up big movements, so keep it up and keep us posted


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Queshia B
ACE
fifty57seven

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #10 
thank you reaboud,
i read your post about your friend. and i'm so sorry for your lost. i wish the best for you and hope that you too will fight your addiction. i dont want to end up like that. i knew that every time i'd get high off hairspray, i'm always gambling with my life. knowing that i could die at any moment while getting high on it... it still never stop me. and i've read a lot of the post of those who had lost a loved one. and that is truly something i dont want to put my friends and family through. thats is why now i'm trying to stop.


today, (may 3, 2009) i've been clean for 2 WEEKS now. i'm really proud of myself and i'm feeling really GOOD. i'll admit this past week i've been VERY tempted to get high, for some reason this past week i've been feeling really down and really irritated. and i miss the high sensation that i get. so instead of getting high, i placed all my frustration on my boyfriend. i still havent got the guts to tell him about my addiction. but i know he'll be understanding about what i'm going through, since he is a recovering addict... with drugs and alcohol. but when i'm truly ready... i'm going to tell him. i hope this week will be a good one. i know it'll definitly be a hard one, since i'll be under a lot of stress with school... and i'm sure my urges will be stronger but i'm sticking to my word. I'm going to fight this.
reaboud

Registered: 04/28/09
Posts: 5
Reply with quote  #11 
fifty57seven

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 2 WEEKS BEING CLEAN!!!  Keep up the EXCELLANT work.  I pray you will have the courage to tell your boyfriend soon.  You will feel so much better when you do, and he of all people, should understand.  If he is a true man and truly loves you, he will support you with all he has.  

I am not addicted to anything anymore.  I used to take lortabs like they were candy.  They would make me feel like there were no problems.  No one knew I did it, like you, and I ended up going to counseling to get to the root of the problem--sexual and physical abuse growing up.  Through counseling, I was able to find "outlets" for those moments when I felt like I wanted to pop a pill again.  I have always loved fishing and have found out how much I like photography.  After 5 years, 2 months and 3 days of not taking a pill, I still have urges to take them.  Even this past week, losing Ricky, I wanted to take one, just to ease the pain.  Instead, today I went fishing. 

What I am hoping for you is that you can find something you enjoy, whether it be painting a picture, going for a walk in a park, fishing, whatever you enjoy.  If you focus on doing that activity rather than thinking about the high you will get if you use, it will help.  Keep you mind on having a good time, not what you could be feeling if you use.  It really does help to stay positive. 

Please keep us posted and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!
fifty57seven

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #12 
Hello,

I am under so much stress right now... i feel i might relapse and get 4 cans of hairspray and might end up killing myself...

i'm mostly stressed about college. i didnt go to school this past spring2009, bcuz of some of my careless mistakes since i wanted to transfer. and so now i'm trying to apply for summer school (i got accepted) bt apparently the english course that took at my last college isnt equivulate to their english courses. which meant i needed to take a placement test... and i totally did not do so hot on it. which means i'm SCREWED becuz a lot of the other course prerequiste that i take an english course before being able to register for them.... F*CK ME!!

and then... since i didnt attend school for Spring 2009... my standford loan is cancelled... and i need to start paying for that. I'm really F*CKED now if my parents find out about this... ugh they are going to kill me.

so now for the next two weeks i need to work my ass to try and get a higher school on that placement test... and have to pray to god that i can still have my student loan. bcuz if i cant get a higher course on that placement test... i'm wont have that much courses to apply to... omg!!


this is just too much for me to handle. i cant take it... i seriously need the feel to inhale 2... maybe 4... hell maybe 6 cans of hairspray. i can't even sleep right now since i'm so stressed out... i dont know what to do.



fifty57seven

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #13 
I'm happy to say that today (May 10, 2009) i've been clean for 3 weeks. i didnt give into the temptations to getting high. especially since i got through a lot of stressful situtations with college and stuff. but i was able to work things out... well some. i'm feeling good as each day goes and i dont inhale the fumes of the hairspray. this is truly a great feeling.


tds

Registered: 03/28/08
Posts: 45
Reply with quote  #14 
Giving in to the temptation will not relieve any of the stress you are feeling at all. It will only add to it and be another thing in the long list of what was stressing you. Each day that you don't do it gives you something to feel victorious about. You can't necessarily control every circumstance around you but you can affect and control this one decision you make for yourself everyday. And you'll feel so much better each day that you choose yourself and your health. I'm going nearly 3 months with the aid of iron supplements, sheer will, and the high hopes for my future that require me to #1 be here and #2 be healthy. There are plenty of days I'm tempted but each time you walk away it gets a little easier. Some days I've wanted "just a little" but I now realize that that's not how addictions work. most importantly the peace of mind that I am in control of me and not my vice is so rewarding and more satisfying and last longer than that feeling ever was. Stay strong!!
__________________
tds
fifty57seven

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #15 
I'm sorry to say that i gave in... the urge to inhale hair spray only becomes stronger when i'm under a lot of stress. i feel really disappointed with myself, because i honestly thought i could stop this addiction. i've been clean for a bout a month now... i dont know how long this will last. it tends to be like this a lot. having a few months of not inhaling hair spray and but in the end i have a bottle in my hand.


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